


To Thine Own Self Be True

by FrightenedofRabbits



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholics Anonymous, Alternate Universe, Bisexual Steve Harrington, Drunk Driving, Gay Billy Hargrove, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, One Shot, Past Child Abuse, Period-Typical Homophobia, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-27
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:15:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25541203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrightenedofRabbits/pseuds/FrightenedofRabbits
Summary: Billy grapples with the causes and effects of his alcohol addiction while celebrating one month of sobriety.
Relationships: Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	To Thine Own Self Be True

**Author's Note:**

> CW: References to past child abuse, mentions of alcohol addiction and recovery, brief use of the f***** slur in reference to one's self. 
> 
> Be safe and take care.

Billy sat quietly on the park bench outside the church where he was waiting to be picked up. Between his lips rested a lit cigarette that was supposed to be calming his nerves but was hardly effective at doing so. Instead, his mind continued to race with all the thoughts about how fucked up he was, how impossible it seemed to ever really change. Unconsciously, Billy gripped tightly onto the small metal coin in his hand, gripping it so hard that the smooth metal edge dug into the palm of his hand, hurting a little and then a lot. When the pain became too much Billy loosened his grip and glanced down at the coin in his hand, it was a bronze color with the words ‘To Thine Own Self Be True’ etched into it. He’d just received the coin that night as he celebrated one month of sobriety. 

Billy’s mind raced with what this meant for him. He had made it one whole month without a drink. According to his sponsor this month was the hardest, it would get easier from now on, now that the withdrawal symptoms are mostly over. Billy recalled the sleepless nights, the headaches, the mood swings, and the overwhelming anger he’d cycled through this month. It had been horrible, he had been horrible. But now things were calming down a little. He could make it an hour or two at a time now without thinking about having a drink. He could trust himself to walk to the store without wandering towards the liquor store where the old man behind the counter would give him a nod as he bought bottles of cheap booze. 

But sobriety was not easy nor was it enjoyable. Billy hadn’t even thought he had a problem until that night over a month ago when he got pulled over for drunk driving and was arrested and given a DWI. Billy had driven while intoxicated so many times before, but this night he got caught. Getting arrested by the man who was like a father to him had finally started to awake Billy to the reality that he might have a problem. Then, the next day Hopper and Steve sat him down, and told him he needed to get help. It wasn’t an intervention nor an ultimatum, but it was a heavy suggestion from the two people he valued most in the world. Billy had tearfully agreed to give up drinking and it was from that day on that he hadn’t had a single drink of alcohol. 

Billy wanted to be proud of himself for receiving his 30-day chip, for making it this long without a drink. But his pride was overshadowed by all the negative thoughts racing through his mind. Drinking had been fun for him, he’d started drinking at a young age, going to parties and getting wasted was a way of life as a teenager. It wasn’t a problem because he was a good student, he kept his grades up and played sports. So what he spent his weekends getting so wasted he couldn’t remember most of what he’d done? It was just having fun so it was no big deal. After graduation Billy had gotten a job working for a local mechanic, he had the grades for college but not the money so he was still stuck here. But it wasn’t all bad, he had his boyfriend Steve and they had their own place on the edge of town. 

Except slowly but surely the drinking began creeping into the week. A drink right after work, turned into a whole twelve pack right after work. Eventually this led to a few beers before work which to be fair Billy knew was wrong. He knew it was bad enough to be drinking in the morning that he hid it from his boyfriend. Going to work drunk had begun to create its own set of problems. Just a few days before his arrest, Billy had almost dropped a car onto himself because he’d been so out of it he almost pressed the wrong lever on the car jack. His boss had been standing right beside him and caught it in time but it was a close call. 

The first thirty days of his sobriety had been difficult and would certainly have not been successful without Steve’s constant presence and support. But his new sobriety left Billy with a lot to grapple and he began to realize the reasons he probably drank so much in the first place. The worst part of sobriety had been the near constant voice in his head, that of his father reminding him of what a piece of shit he was, how disgusting he was for being gay. Even though Billy hadn’t seen his father once in the three years since high school graduation, the legacy of his father’s abuse still lived with him. Now he was reminded of his father’s words every time he held onto Steve’s hand for comfort or laid his head on Steve’s lap while they watched TV. He had his father’s voice calling him weak, calling him a faggot. He’d have to fight with himself to keep his hand in Steve’s and to keep his head on Steve’s lap where he felt so safe and comfortable. 

Billy began to realize one of the reasons he drank so much is because it dulled the memories and the pain of what his father inflicted on him. Every punch to the face, every kick to the rib, every horrible word his father had screamed in his face felt so much clearer now. The memories of his mother were clearer now too. The good came along with the bad. He could remember her beautiful golden curls and the smell of her perfume better. But he could also remember the fights and seeing his dad hurt his mom. Worst of all he could remember too clearly the day his mom killed herself, the day his dad found her hanging in the garage. Having to see the paramedics wheel her body down the driveway and to their vehicle in a black bag. 

Billy found himself unable to sleep much because of the memories and the way they assaulted both his waking and sleeping hours. He tried to hide his pain still, tried not to let Steve see him breakdown when it all became too much. But just last night, Steve had found him curled up and crying on the bathroom floor and finally Billy began to start opening up to Steve about his mom. About the reason they’d even moved to Indiana in the first place because he kissed a boy and his dad found out and broke several of his bones. Billy knew he needed to open up about his past more and he knew both Steve and Hopper wanted to help him but it was easier said than done. 

He’d been alone for so much of his life, alone with his pain and heartbreak. He was always so alone with anger and fear and his only outlet had been to lash out at others, to spread his pain around so he wasn’t the only one with it. But then he’d found Steve, he’d wisened up enough to apologize to Steve and having someone around who genuinely cared had helped him so much. But love couldn’t fix all the demons that lived within Billy and he was just starting to realize he had a lot more work to do. 

When Billy thought back to the night of his arrest it was mostly a blur. He had been a 12-pack deep by the time Jim Hopper pulled him over so any memories he had were fuzzy at best. But he remembered the feeling of sobering up in the jail cell, of looking out and seeing Hopper looking at him with sadness and disappointment. Waves of shame had rolled over Billy as he realized the gravity of his mistake. Hopper had been there for him since high school, since that time when his dad went too far. It was thanks to Hopper that the last half of his senior year was injury free and Hopper had even rented his old single wide trailer to him and Steve after they graduated. Hopper was someone Billy looked up to and wanted to be like and it was in the moment that he sat looking out of a jail cell that he knew he’d let the man down. 

Billy had been so wrapped up in his thoughts that he hadn’t heard or seen the Beemer park in front of him. It wasn’t until he heard his name yelled that Billy looked up and saw his boyfriend waiting for him. Billy rose from the bench where he sat in front of the Grace Emmanuel Church, the basement of which his AA meetings were held. Steve was smiling softly, his brown hair tousled gently in the soft summer wind and his face aglow from the golden light of the setting sun. Billy held his breath for a moment as he gazed upon perfection. His chest panged with a moment of doubt, doubt that he deserved someone so perfect while he was so fucked up. Steve was good, easily the most kind hearted person he knew. Billy wrestled with his own selfish desire to love Steve and what his mind reasoned was the right thing to do and let him go so he could be with someone more worthy.  
Billy tried to shake the thoughts from his mind as he walked forward and went to the passenger side door of the Beemer. His Camaro sat idle in their driveway at home as his license was suspended for the next five months. As soon as Billy sat in the car Steve leaned over to kiss him on the cheek. “Hey baby, how was your meeting today?” Steve asked in a gentle and interested voice. 

Billy shrugged noncommittally. “It was fine, I got this,” Billy said as he held up the thirty day chip to show Steve. 

Steve’s smile grew larger as he took in the bronze colored metal chip that signified the 30 days Billy had been sober. “Wow babe, I am so freaking proud of you. I know how hard it’s been but you’ve stuck with it.”

Billy felt slightly embarrassed by Steve’s praise. Part of him was happy to be recognized for his efforts because it had been really fucking difficult. But another part of him felt ashamed to be in this position in the first place, the only reason he was here and getting this chip was because he was so fucked up. 

“Thanks Steve,” Billy muttered quietly as he kept his other thoughts to himself. They were quiet during the drive home, the only sound in the car was the Led Zeppelin cassette Billy had bought for Steve when they first started dating playing gently in the background. Billy let his mind wander as the music and the gentle pressure of Steve’s hand resting on his thigh helped to ease his racing mind. Finally Steve pulled up to the single wide trailer that was their home. The two of them were saving up money to move, but it was slow going.  
Billy followed Steve into the house, all the while clutching the coin in his hand. Once inside, Steve spun around and pulled Billy into an embrace, one which Billy melted into. Steve was and always would be his happy place. “So proud of you baby.” Steve muttered into Billy’s ear once again before moving to plant a sweet and gentle kiss on his lips. They parted but Steve still had his arm wrapped around Billy’s waist as they moved to their small and cluttered kitchen. Steve loved to cook but wasn’t always the best at it, but he practiced a lot and was genuinely improving. Billy only had to pat his slightly pudgier midsection to appreciate how far Steve had come. Gone were his days of being a high school athlete, the lean muscle of his younger years had faded fast once he was no longer playing basketball. 

Billy let himself be led to the kitchen and was surprised to see a chocolate cake sitting in the middle of the table. Steve led him over to the cake and Billy stopped when he saw it. 

“Surprise!” Steve shouted, a smile spreading across his face as he watched Billy take in the sight. On top of the cake in sloppy white writing it read ‘Happy 30 Days Sober’. Billy couldn’t help but smile at the sight of the cake. 

“Steve you shouldn’t have,” Billy muttered shyly.

“I wanted to surprise you and celebrate your accomplishment. You amaze me everyday with your strength and dedication and I just always want you to know that I see it. I see your struggle and your perseverance and I love you more because of it.”

Billy felt like he might just cry upon hearing Steve’s words to him. He fought back the tears but let out a small chuckle. “No babe, you really shouldn’t have,” Billy said as he patted his stomach. “I don’t really need anymore cake babe.”

Steve swung around so he was facing Billy once again, this time his expression a little darker. “You’re still the single most sexy man I’ve ever seen in my life and you always will be. You’ll definitely be just as sexy to me after you eat some of the delicious cake that I made you.” Billy swallowed, suddenly feeling a little turned on by the way Steve was looking at him and Billy let any worry about his physique melt away. The two turned back to look at the cake and that’s when Billy saw an envelope sitting on the table next to the cake.  
“Did you get me a card babe?” Billy asked as he reached for the white envelope. 

“No,” Steve said as he shook his head. “Max dropped it off earlier. She wanted to give it to you herself but she has to study for a big exam tomorrow so she just left it with me.” 

Billy tore the envelope open and inside was a card with a cute little orange kitten on it. Inside the card Max had written about how proud of him she was and that she loved him and was happy to have him as her brother. This time Billy couldn’t hold back the few tears that streamed down his cheeks.”Fuck,” Billy muttered as he swiped at the tears frantically, he still held so much shame about being a boy who cried. He tried to remember that it was normal to cry and it didn’t make him weak but his father’s voice still lived within him, taunting. 

Steve wrapped Billy up in his arms and held him as Billy cried. He cried for the little boy he’d been. The boy whose mom killed herself, the boy who realized he liked other boys, the boy whose father hit him, the angry boy, the sad boy, the anxious boy, the self-doubting boy. He cried for the man he had become. The man who was surrounded by love but still damaged by his past. The man who was trying so hard to fix his life and be someone worthy of the love and affection of those around him. It was all so difficult but he only had to realize he was wrapped in the arms of the man he loved to remember that he wasn’t doing this alone. He only had to look forward at the polaroid images that littered their refrigerator where he saw a photo of him and Hopper shoveling his car out of the snow last winter. He saw the photo of him and Max wearing matching Santa hats, her smiling and him grimacing. He saw the photo of him and Dustin mid-argument during a game of Dungeons and Dragons, with Steve sitting behind the two of them looking bored out of his mind. These were the photos of his family, of the people who loved him and supported him. 

Billy’s tears finally dried and the heaviness that had been in his heart eased up a bit. Steve still held him but slowly Billy was able to pull away. “I love you so fucking much Steve, wouldn’t be able to do any of this without you.”

Steve smiled gently, “It’s a good thing you never have to be without me. I love you Billy, so so so much.”

Billy smiled and pushed away the thoughts of doubt that tried to creep in. He let himself enjoy a sense of calm as he watched Steve cut them both a much too big slice of cake and pour them each a glass of milk. The two ate their cake and made easy conversation about their day as they ate. As Steve talked about one of the kids he watched at the daycare center Billy looked down at the bronze coin which rested on the table beside his plate. He took in the etched triangle design and the giant number 1 inside of it. He had made it 30 days and all he had to do was take it one day at a time. It was in that moment as he took the last bite of delicious chocolate cake and listened to the love of his life talk that Billy finally felt some assurance that he could do it. There would be more coins in his future, for the first time in a month, Billy finally felt like he could make it.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I did not think I would write anything so soon after just finishing a 35 chapter fic. However, I was inspired today and came up with this idea and then wrote it in approximately two hours. Major thanks to my editor who graciously put up with my impatience and helped me edit this late at night even though we both have to work early in the morning. It's probably not perfect but I think we caught any major errors so please excuse any tiny one's. I hope you all enjoy this brief exploration into Billy's addiction and recovery process. 
> 
> If you care, I now have a tumblr and you can find me at frightenedofrabbits.tumblr.com. I post Harringrove/fanfic things.


End file.
